It has been awhile that I have said anything on this subject but I have it on my heart today to share with you. After the church message yesterday and the topic of children - leaving something behind after we are gone - this really has come full circle for me. I have shared a few letters and emails to my family concerning different things after my mom passed away and this is probably another one to add to that growing list.
When I started this blog many months ago and over 130 entries later - it has taken on a new meaning and purpose for me from where the concept first came about. When God placed this on my heart way back when, it was a way to say the hard things, to talk about what was on me and the things God had placed on me to communicate and share with my family and friends. It was like a sneak peek at my daily life, daily walk with Jesus and how not only am I doing but also Carol and Kyle. That aspect has not changed - my audience has. Many in my small group check in from time to time - some of my family still reads it daily - especially Carol and my aunt Sharon - they leave the most comments and we have the best conversations because of those comments and the blog subject. Many read but don't have anything to post or comment about. Why? I don't know.....afraid maybe? My blog is being read all over the world and from so many different people -reaching places in the world where being a Christian could end your life! I wonder about these folks, what brought them to the page in the first place and how they found themselves here. Are they too looking for answers? Are they struggling with things in their lives like we are- looking for meaning, purpose and a mission in life? Many times we don't understand what God is doing in our lives. Many times I think about mom and why God took her from me at that particular time. Why did God take mom when He did with everything I am doing and being blessed with right now as I walk with Jesus. I often imagine what mom would be doing now and how happy she would be sharing this part of my life now - in church - serving - and doing so much for the Lord! WOW!! Would I be where I am today without those events when mom was sick and suffering and then mom having to leave? Probably not. See everything that happens has a purpose. Everything we go through and experience, good bad or whatever, has a purpose. I don't know why my mother N law had to leave almost 9 years ago either and leave a broken family just like mine. We see death as so defining. TIME is our worst enemy and its something this life never has enough of. We all want that extra minute, hour or year. When our time comes we are never satisfied and always want more of it. Its that next stop we don't understand and are afraid to leave everything behind that we know. Loved ones, its the time in between us getting here and the time when we answer the call from Jesus, that is most important. What are we doing in our lives today? Are you mad at God for taking a loved one? Even after all this time? Don't you feel the prayers of loved ones for you? Are you living to make a difference and with fulfillment - purpose and leaving something behind to others? Billions of people have went before us, we cannot get out of it but yet we do our best not to think about it and push it off. Our time here friends is limited and defined to the exact moment by God. Why is that so bad? Why when a loved one dies are we so sad? YES its a defining moment and pain and grief is VERY real but like mom - she is in a better place! She has moved on and she had to maybe because God was wanting to get a hold of you - to get a hold of me. Maybe there was no other way to get to your heart than through one of His servants! God is not moved by time. His time is forever and if He chooses to use His children for His purpose than He does so! Death is nothing to God because His children do not die. We wont experience death like we think death will be like. The end, gone forever, stuck in the ground or forever asleep - whatever you think death is. Death to Jesus is just His way to call His children home - a new way of service for His children - Heaven is real and heaven for many of us is our next stop - but NOT for some. Those are your personal decisions and you taking responsibility for your eternity and nobody can make that decision for you. See this life may end - but we will live forever and we have the promises of God behind that.
I think about the message Jimmy preached yesterday - about spending time with my family and my son. I love my wife Carol and my son Kyle and want to be there in all the events of their lives and all the hard times and happy times as well. We are a team - a team sticks together no matter what. Many in my family have walked away - walked away from each other - their families. Many have decided to not go by my dads anymore because the loss of mom is too painful. What a shame and what a crock that is! Shame on them and you know who you are. None of us are doing enough and I take responsibility for that statement as well. As I have backed away some - nobody steps forward. Mom would not be happy about that at all.... we will all lose someone in our lifetime! We as followers of Jesus - share the good news with them and share with them that death is not the end. Its not final and its not over! Jesus has given us the path and the avenue to heaven! AMEN!!!
The one thing that I want to do in my life as I do my best to live for Jesus - to do everything I can to share His love for others and show people that love He has for them - I want to pass that down to my son - the peace and comfort that God gives us when we have put our full trust in His word. I want him to know that his daddy loved the Lord with all his heart and he will take GREAT comfort in knowing that. I pray also for his family and he raises his children the same way and granting that generational blessing along and not the curse of divorse and suffering. I want my death when that time comes - to be a happy time- a time filled with joy and a peace knowing you will see me again! I have made it.... I fully trust Jesus knowing that when my time comes - Jesus will greet me and there will be song and praise - mom and grandpa Joe standing in the crowd and there will be a party - like I have never seen before! We have to lean back loved ones, and put our trust in Jesus. Let Him lead your life and take you places you didn't even know existed. Friends when we are having things happen to us, the loss of a mother or daughter/son or father - complete financial collapse, sickeness or bad health reports or whatever the circumstance - know that God is with you. Lean back on your faith and let your faith and trust in Jesus pull you through it. He said He is like a brother and will stand with you always. You are going through whatever it is today for a reason. God does everything for a purpose and not by accident. He doesn't view death like we do - for people who have no hope and have put their hearts in Jesus. We all should remind ourselves especially those who have put their heart with Jesus - we live on even though our body dies. Its not over - I know our struggles here on this earth are real - don't let your emotions drive your paths! Emotions are lies - they change and come and go - they are not what makes for good decisions! Trust in the Word of God for your decisions - when the chips are down and we see no way out..... your FAITH WILL BE ALL YOU HAVE LEFT.
The last few days of my moms life here on earth were spent singing and praising the Lord. I may not be so devoted and on fire for Jesus if it was not for my mom and what it took for me to understand what I know in my heart today. There may have been no other way.... Loved ones, I pray for you - I ask God to open your eyes and open your heart like He has done for me. Its like going down a road and it just ended - road blocked with no was to proceed .... God made a new way - a way with Him. EVERYTHING has changed...... that's the experience I pray for you today. I pray I leave a legacy that I can be proud of and that God will be proud of - it may come today, it may come 50 years from now but I pray I have the courage and strength to always lean back and have the faith in my Lord and Savior.
Love you all,
Randy~
Psalm 36
5 Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies.
6 Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, your justice like the great deep. O LORD, you preserve both man and beast.
7 How priceless is your unfailing love! Both high and low among men find [b] refuge in the shadow of your wings.
1 comment:
Does it make sense? Not always, but sometimes. And yes, we are all looking for something, the first 39 years of my life I knew something was missing. I was searching, yes even as a child I was searching for something, a place to fit in, something that was the truth to believe, someone to love, someone to trust, grabbing emotions and trying not to grab emotions, confusion, always confused something always "nagging" at me, feeling empty even when I thought I was happy, where did I come from, who can I count on. Aside from a very few people in my life, not letting myself really love for fear of being hurt and feeling all "alone" again. Searching, always searching looking at other people smiling while I was crying. Looking at the normal mom/dad/son/daughter families. I was divorced, poor, a single mother raising a child with a birth defect that was so isolating. I fought suicide, I thought about it daily, only knowing my son would be the one to find me kept me from it. Not many people know I checked myself into a facility at one point of my life because I I knew it was just a matter of time before I would eventually do it, probably with sleeping pills, I took so many, so often, sleep was such a good way to not think. The doctors there thought I had it all they said, young in my early 30's, pretty, a "Barbie" figure as they said, but I kept asking them if they believed in God. They wouldn't say. They just told me to be happy, live life to the fullest, satisfy myself, told me that "I" was the most important thing "I" had to look after myself. "I needed to put myself first!" Hogwash! I was miserable and lonely even with people. I came home from that place after fourteen days with a monthly payment to make that I couldn't afford and still feeling like something was missing. One day I took too many pills, my son Scott called "Aunt Lois" and told her mama tooks pills and I can't wake her up. She got me aroused on the phone and we talked she told me how special I was and how much I meant to her. She said Scott loves you too and I promised her I would never take so many pills again. She worried about me, we didn't live close, she was in NJ and me in NC at that time. She helped me over the phone for many, many years. She was my sister, best friend, and my "mother image" all in one. I hated to worry her but living was so hard for me. All I wanted to do was sleep and not think or feel anything. It didn't seem too wrong or bad, lots of other women my age were out drinking and partying, sleeping around, doing drugs. I didn't do none of that stuff, I just wanted to stay home and sleep. I worked and paid my bills and was a good mother to my son, but something was missing. Buster, bless his heart, he stood by me while we dated all those years, he went to church, sang, and kept on keeping on, and while I was feeling empty, he just kept right on praying for me. Then one day when I felt my lonleist, I was at the lowest of my life, I was 39 years old that year, in Aug 1992, I was taking Prozac the stongest dose I could take, a pill for panic attacks, sleeping pills at night, a perscription pill for headaches and NoDoz pills to get me going in the mornings for work, I went to a little church called Geneses Church after a friend from work begged me to visit, I put them off for a couple of months but one day I said this is it, my life will soon be over if I don't get a grip on myself. I cried all to the church and almost backed out when I pulled in the parking lot I was turning to leave when I saw the person that invited me coming out the door to make sure I came in. They told me later they went out after Sunday School every Sunday to see if I was there. I cried all through the service, at the end I ran to the altar as some music played softly that I couldn't even hear the words to and I looked up at a picture on the wall of Jesus walking on the water with his hands outstretched, Our eyes locked and I felt HE knew what I was searching for, I felt like HE knew all about my life and the confusion I felt, the childhood of feeling unloved and unwanted. I felt if I keep my eyes on His I won't sink, but if I looked at the water I would sink and drown. The water was my life of nothing it was drowning me. I fell at that altar and gave my life to Jesus. He not only saved me, he healed me from a decade of depression and a year of panic attacks, I was addicted to soap operas. Yes you can be addicted to soap operas, a life of sin right on the tv screen. It feels just like you are living their lives. I didn't take all those pills anymore, I didn't need them. I never saw another soap opera again. I was a different person. I left that person at that altar, she died right there and I became a new person. The following Dec 5th Buster and I married in his church and it has been almost 15 years ago. He sang to me a song called "Holy Communion" and then we took communion in front of everyone and most of all in front of God. Lois had said that was one wedding she wouldn't miss for anything and her and Lonnie flew down here. God has not failed me, He is still keeping me from sinking, I still today see the picture in my mind of Him walking on the water with his hands outstretched, reaching to me to come to Him, keeping me from sinking. I have to keep my eyes on His, if I look at the waves and the water I will sink, but it's His eyes and His outstretched arms that keep me going. I told my sister Lois, your momma Randy, many, many times about that picture, especially while she was sick before she went on to be with the Lord. Now she smiles down here at me, I know she does, and she can walk on water too now if she choses to, she reaches her hands out to others right there with Jesus, they are keeping us from sinking.
I strive daily to make up for my lost years without allowing God to be in my life, I can't get them back but I can go forward. He was what I was searching for all along!! My life was empty without Him, He knew all about me, all I ever wanted was to be accepted and loved, and that is what He came here to die for, so that we would feel His love and so we could be with Him when our time comes. That we could be sure of another life with Him.
Buster and I have often said that we wished we had of married earlier, so many years before we did, but then we say, no, it was God's way. God put us together in the "right" way, HIS way. It don't always make sense, but it is still in His plan, and one day we'll pass from this life unto the next life. That passing may be a little rough, I pray I can be as strong as Sis was, but the minute we take our last breath if we are looking into God's eyes, He will reach those arms out to us and we will be forever with Him in Heaven. That is what I am living for. Thank you God for not giving up on me. And thank you God that you didn't give up on Sis either, she is waiting for us on the other side, I can see her smiling, her eyes are shinning with excitement and happiness, no more tears, no more pain, only peace and no more searching.
If you are reading this blog and you feel lost and alone like I did, please allow God to lead you. You are not alone feeling like that, the world is full of people searching for something. If He has changed your life, share it with us or with someone, so we can all give God the Glory for it. If you are lonely, addicted to whatever it is or just confused, you can write in this blog, The Walk, and Lonnie, Randy to me, will pray for you, we will pray for you and help you find God. Give your life to Him, He loves you just as much as He loves me. May God Bless You All.
Love in Christ
Sharon
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