To some - its just a normal day. Monday morning, got to get the kids ready for school, work starts in a few hours, thinking what happened to the weekend.... they go so fast. I think part of the reason it goes so fast for some people is they live their lives on the weekends. They don't like their lives during the week, because of a job they don't like, a boss that drives them crazy or maybe its the long hours with OT or that second job to try and make ends meet. But for me - its a day that has SO much wrapped into it. See 3 years ago today, my mom went to be with the Lord. It is not by chance that I woke this morning at 4:11. I can't say for sure that this was the exact time that mom passed but it sure is close. I called 4 people that morning after a family conference in my mom and dads dining room on what to do. I called the Hospice nurse, my aunt Sharon, my wife Carol and my buddy Warren. It was a morning that I will never forget. When they came to get mom and remove her from the house it was twilight out meaning that the sun was just coming up and it was neither light nor dark out. It was cold and the wind was blowing but one thing that sticks out is that when they pushed mom down that long hallway with family all around her lined up along the way out - the birds started to sing and everyone noticed that. It was unreal because they were ALL singing.... such beautiful songs as if it was a heavenly song for all of us to hear. God speaks to us in many different ways. He is not the "Voice" that comes deep to us in booming ways, even though He can do that if needed. But often He speaks to us through others.
This morning is a tough morning. I love the mornings as much as my mom did. A good cup of coffee and some good conversation in a great place goes a long way for me. I love that porch at the cabin, the most peaceful place I know to have a cup of coffee and look out over Gods wonderful scenery that He has created. I think about those conversation that mom and I never had sitting on that porch. Mom passed before the cabin was complete and I wanted so much for her and my dad to have some time there together. So this morning, I think I will have a small talk with mom and you are invited to sit with me.
Mom, I miss you. There are many who miss you, some probably more than I do if that is possible. So much of you is in me. You gave a great deal of yourself into crafting who I am today. Above all things though mom, you provided me the love I have for the Lord. After 3 years since you have left, Carol, Kyle and I have walked together on this path following Gods plan for our life. We have not looked back and even though the road has had its challenges and learning curves - we would not change any of it for anything. See you have had a part in this journey for us. You continue to teach me about life, being a good dad and husband, to care for others more than myself and to always do my best to make a difference. We still have our conversations and for me it is about living my life and the decisions that I make that want to make you proud. That is something I want so much to share with Katie because I know how she feels with losing a mom but it is something she is going to have to learn because it is not something someone can teach her. Spring is around the corner and it would be time to head up to your house and spend the night before going to work at the greenhouse. It is a time of year that I SO much looked forward to. Sleeping till 5 or so in the back bedroom and then you waking me up, like I was a little kid all over again. How I miss those days and how it hurts knowing Kyle won't get to share that memory in the making. I loved smelling the coffee, the bacon and eggs and your wonderful biscuits all the way down the hall from the kitchen. No matter how you were feeling mom, you always put out that extra to make things happen. You were so much about everyone else and I know that is where I get this from. I have struggled in the last few years with praying for myself because of the love I have for those around me - its more about their needs than my own. I am doing life with a great bunch of people today and in SO many ways, Kyle is not an only child. God has placed "MyKids" in my life so that I can pour and invest into them like they were my own. I am so blessed by everything. I know that in so many ways that people are struggling with things in their lives. You taught me that God is in the bigger plans. Even while you were sick and suffering like you did, God was shaping you and molding your character to be more like his. I could see it happening and even though my prayers did not get answered the way (I) wanted them to in God healing you and taking away your cancer- He ultimately healed you. He healed you beyond any healing this earthly place could have. He gave you more than healing - he gave you a heavenly home, a forever relationship with him, and a body now that will never die, experience sickness again, hurt, sorrow, pain, loss - all of that is gone. As I remember back to the napkin that you had me write - I Promise - on while at the hospital - Dad is in church today. He is in love with a godly woman now who very much loves our Lord. He is taking his faith journey seriously now as he makes progress in his walk with Jesus. I do believe he is further along than we could have ever accomplished. Your ripple affect continue to reach out to others today. I would not change all that has happened. There is too much "Good" in what you have done in your life and the way you have touched and reached out to so many. I look forward into the future with so much on my heart. You and God have changed my life as you know. I will never forget that morning sitting in Pastor J's office on a Saturday. A day he had not been at the church office in 6 months. He barely knew me, I don't think we even had a conversation yet until that morning. But there you were - sitting in his office with me accepting Jesus again in your life. You knew what was up ahead and in many ways, I am glad I didn't.
Mom, I miss you and am thankful I get to say Good Morning to you every day still. Kyle is such a great kid. You would be so proud of him. God has such great plans over his life. I am so excited for him that sometimes I just can't believe it. Carol has grown in her faith the last year with the experience of loss with her dad. It has been a tough year for her and with the loss of Denise - it has really pushed her faith to grow deeper. I am married to the most wonderful woman on the planet and I still think I married WAY over my head. There are many others I could talk with you about. Aunt Sharon and Uncle Buster are doing well. Aunt Sharon is still like a lost little sheep with her big sister gone. But she knows the voice that keeps her following.
Keep watch over us mom. I hope you get to peek in from time to time to see whats going on. I pray there are more things to make you smile than not. For me, its a life that has been taken up a few notches because of you. We all lost so much 3 years years ago today but for me the glass is always half full - ready to be spilled over again - and so much has been gained.
The last few years I have to say - that I have been living my life. Every day is a day fresh with Gods Grace and blessings. I feel more alive than ever before. Because of the things that I have been through, have been learning, have experienced and have accepted - Life is alive. Thanks for being a part in all that mom. God is more interested in who I am - my character - than anything else right now. I am His.... that means that I will see you again and get to have that cup of coffee while talking about life. Just like we are doing now......
Nothing is better than that. Mom I ask that you continue to watch over us.
Love you mom and its not just another morning. 3 years now you have been in heaven. I am thankful for today and where you are. - HOME - a place you always felt the most at peace.
Thanks for listening this morning, you always made time to listen.
Randy~
2 comments:
This day has "loomed" over me for weeks now. There are just so many days in our lives that we never forget. The day we married, the day our children are born, the day we got saved, the day.......but there are other days that we never forget also. The day someone we love dies. The day we found out they were terminally ill. Those days we struggle with. I remember sitting in the waiting room at the oncology office with your momma that day, her squeezing my hand and saying "Sis, it's all in God's hands" she was the one sick but I was the one that needed comfort, she knew that and she gave as usual, she was always the giver, always know what I needed. I remember the oncologist sending her straight to the hospital, her walking in the hospital to never walk again, and then to die only three months later. I, too, remember that morning she died, they rolled her down the hall as we cried. I remember begging the funeral home guys not to cover her face. It just didn't seem right. I remember the birds singing that morning as they rolled her to the hearse. I remember they stopped singing for just a few minutes after they closed the door as if they too had lost part of their lives. The birds she loved so much were giving her a final song in this world yet I know she was already hearing birds of another kind in Heaven even at that very moment. So many things I'll never, ever forget. I can't forget. Part of me died with her that day.
Yet, this week as this third anniversary approached, I prayed so hard that my heart would heal. Somehow I wonder, after three years, why can't I let go?? I can't let her go, she was my best friend, my big sister, and yes, I looked up to her so much, it was her that made me not feel so alone in my life when times and past heartaches seemed so hard, I miss that more than anything, just knowing she was there to listen, as you say Randy, she was always there to listen. She cared about whatever I cared about and if I hurt she hurt. I too, have grown closer to God without her here. HE has to keep HIS arm around me all the time, HE knows I still struggle with it, HE knows I probably always will until I reach that shore myself. I didn't find any answers this week in my prayers as to letting her go, I can't let her go, I still miss her so bad and it still doesn't seem real, but God gave me an instance in the Bible that keeps going over and over in my mind. In the book of II Samuel, Chapter 12 David had disobeyed the Lord, and as punishment God let him live but let his newborn son die. While the young son was very sick David didn't eat, he would not sleep, he was in such sorrow. After seven days the child died just as God said it would. Everyone was afraid to tell him, they assumed he would harm hiself to death as well. He seen them whispering among themselves and he knew the child had died. He asked them and they said yes the child is dead. King David got up, bathed, and dressed. He went to the altar and worshiped God, then asked for something to eat. They were shocked they did not understand. They asked him why he refused to get up, eat, or sleep while the child was sick, now and is eating and worshiping God. What he replied has been on my heart this whole week. He said "while my child was still alive, I had hope, after he died, I realized I can't bring him back but someday I will join him in death, he can't return to me, but I shall go to him one day."
That is God's message to me today. As I leave in a little while to take beautiful flowers to Sis's grave, I know she is in Heaven, I know I can't bring her back, but one day I can go to her, and we shall worship the Great I AM together for eternity.
I'll Meet You in the Morning, Sis, one glorious day. You will always be to me the best friend God could have given me in my earthly life. I will always have this special love and this special place for you in my heart that no one else can fill.
Randy, your momma raised you good. She would be so proud of you and your family,
Love always,
Aunt
Sharon
Lonnie,
I love the heartfelt honestly that you can so easily express. I was unbelievably touched by your words today. I do believe that God is speaking through you. I cried reading what you wrote, and also what Aunt Sharon wrote. I miss your Momma so much. She really did mean the world me. She and I had a connection from the first time we met, and she so lovingly accepted me into your family. I just pray that I can and will be so gracious when Kyle brings home that 'special someone' that will steal my baby's heart...!
Love you ~~ Carol
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