I know this post is a few days early since Mothers day is a few days away. I wanted to take a moment and honor my mom here because it has been 3 years sharing my heart this way. 3 years... has it been that long already or does it seem like yesterday? Sometimes its just hard to tell. I know there are plenty of folks who have lost their moms a lot longer than I - I guess I am somewhere in the middle of this journey but honestly - I am thinking of a few today that have only been walking without their moms for a short amount of time. For many, this will be their first Mothers day without their mom. I have to tell you, it does get easier... less painful in many ways but the hurt never goes away. I will tell you that I know exactly how you feel and in many ways - you are not alone in those feelings. I will tell you that to use your mom as an excuse to slack off and not live up to your potential is sad ... Your mom would want you aiming for the stars. She would want you making good decisions, trying hard, being the best you can be and having a determination that you once had and possessed. Honor her .... serve her .... glorify your love for her by what you do, what you say and how you act. She is watching......
Sunday will be one of those days mom that it feels like you have been gone for a 100 years. Sometimes I feel you close and other times - it just does not seem real that you are not here. I know that you are happy where you are today and wouldn't trade places. I wouldn't either and I am excited that you are in a place that I will be one day as well. I look forward to that "Hello" as you look at me with your big brown eyes once again. I look forward to hearing your voice and saying my name. I may ask you to say it a hundred times so don't get upset with me if you have to repeat yourself ... I know you are used to that - you were a mom and a great mom at that. I know one of the biggest heart breaks mom is that relationship that was so special that left a giant hole in the heart of Kyle. No kid should have to understand the depth and feel the loss of a grandparent at his age. I know by him having to go through these seasons in life that God will be using him in many special ways. He is such a joy to be his dad. I am excited for his future and I often times find myself in deep prayer for God to watch over him, protect him and guide him. I continue to pray that God remains a focus point in his life and to surround him with awesome friends. He is amazing in so many ways and I know you would be proud of him. He often times speaks of your banana pudding, cornbread and biscuits. I too miss those things and would love to once again have some biscuits and gravy at your kitchen table as we sat and talked with a hot cup of coffee. Those early mornings are a part of me today.
I never thought life would be this busy nor did I ever think life would be this fulfilling. I am going to be 43 this month... how did this happen? I have been thinking the past week about this midlife crisis thing. I have some buddies that seem to be going through this - I am just too busy for that. I find myself pouring myself so much into others that honestly mom, who has time for that. Midlife crisis is all about "ME" and I am not at all about that. Maybe I have learned that lesson in life already that so many men struggle with. I know you would have something great to share about this. I wouldn't trade anything to where God has me today. I am just blown away with what He has me doing, the people He has me doing life with, "MyKids" that have my heart ... I just sometimes think about the road from where I was to where I am now. You were a big part of that mom and "I Promise" is still written on my heart. I am working and serving hard these days. I look forward to the next step I am taking with Jesus. He continues to mold me and shape who I am. Your model of serving others was taken from Jesus and it becomes clearer and clearer as time goes on. Our character and who we really are is something that He is most interested in. He was doing that all the way up until you had to leave. It is said in Proverbs 27: 19 As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man. You were a great reflection mom in so many ways and into the lives of so many people. I miss you so much but I know the day draws closer to us meeting again. I used to think about that day that we all will have. It used to scare me and make me afraid. It is not that way anymore... Jesus is on the other side and I can't wait to experience His heavenly glory and I look forward to seeing your smile again. I still have work that needs to be done here mom. Many who are not in Gods family yet. Many who have yet to experience the love and grace that God has for them. Life change in such a way that it transforms everything about you and for once in a persons life - they experience what it is to really live, to really be alive, and to really love. These are the things you did for me by you leaving. Your reflection continues today in the lives that I get to reflect on. I am thankful for that mom. I know Mothers day is a special day in Heaven. Enjoy it and know our hearts are the same even if they are many miles of space between them.... for now.
Your reflection mom, just like in the picture above reminds us that you are still with us.With love always mom with tears in my eyes,
your son,
Randy
1 comment:
This is such a hard month for me Randy. Mother's Day, and your momma's birthday coming up too. It's strange that she and I never missed a Mother's Day sending each other a card. There was just a special bond between us that will never, ever go away. I still miss her as much as I did the day she left to go to Heaven. Everything I do, I ask myself would Sis approve of it, would she think it was the best I could do?? I do know she is watching us. I struggle so much more than anyone knows about, other than you.
I've let the highlights in my hair grow out, my hair has gotten so dark. I look at my reflection in the mirror and think Sis would like this. She will still know me even if I was always blond and now my hair is dark. I think maybe, just maybe, you can see a little more of her in me now. I don't know, maybe I just long to hear her say again "Sis, just accept yourself, you are what you are, the way God made you" She always knew what to say to make it all ok. Just to see her smile again one more time.......and those big brown eyes looking at me and us knowing right away what each other was thinking. It's so funny. We ALWAYS knew what each other were thinking.
I know you are hurting also, so I pray I've not added to your grief. Everyone thinks I should be over losing her......but I believe you understand. She was so much more to me than "just a sister", so much more....she was my best friend in the whole world, sometimes my only friend, the one I knew would always be there for me & understand me. She was a mother image at times, yet most of the time we were just silly crazy laughing happy to be having some girl time together. Sometimes, she was the only link I had with my childhood...she understood the uncertainy of all of it for me.
I can't wait to see her again, I am so anxious to get there. The older I get the more I want to go.
I do know that there will never be anyone in my life that will ever fill the place she had in my heart. I am not bitter or angry that she had to go, I just cannot accept that she is gone. I don't think my heart will ever heal, not until I take my heavenly flight or the Lord comes back for us.
I pray everyday for you, Carol, and Kyle. Little Kyle, he's seen so much in his young life, she really loved you all Randy. She didn't have to worry about you all. She knew you had it all together. That is why she had you to promise. She just knew. And yes, she is watching. And she still knows....
Goodnight Sis, we will see you soon. We love you & miss you so much. It's so hard without you, but we will make you proud of us. You would be so proud of Randy, Carol, & Kyle and the way they are allowing God to work in their lives. You did a good job, you were such a good mother to your boys. We rejoice knowing you are happier than you have ever been. We have learned so much since you left.......so much I would love to share with you Sis. So much I would love to tell you. But you know already, I am sure of it. And Sis, those things we never got to discuss just before you died, it's ok, I know, and it's still ok. Our life is but a vapour the Bible says, and that stuff was not that important. Some things we worried about seemed so important, they were not that important when it came time for you to go, the main thing was just knowing you were going to Heaven and that we all loved you just as you were & that one day we'd be together again.
Have a wonderful Mother's Day in Heaven Sis, I know you are smiling, no more tears Sis, no more worries, you made it and you are wonderfully at peace.
Thank you dear Lord for allowing me to dream of Sis three nights in a row this week. It was wonderful having her visiting me.
I will love you always Sis, with tears in my eyes too,
Your baby sister,
Sharon
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