The day after "The Tissue" still has me reeling - I will be upfront and admit that right from the start. Its a good reeling I am in and not one that has taken me down at all. I feel energized and have so much on my heart and mind to share today, that I am having trouble with is my focus. The events that have taken place over the last few days have been amazing with church being packed, my friend Alice being there with me, Jimmy preaching and telling the story of mom, last night with an additional family in our Rock Group - Our dear friends son shaving his head for funds to help with research to a deadly disease that took their friends life on Saturday. There is still an urgency about me and this pressing feeling that I have. All I can do is lift my heart to Jesus and continue walking the talk and pressing onward because He has control and I am - all in. No gamble taking place here. Its a sure bet. My salvation - my forgiveness and a love that matches no other because if His grace and His mercy on me. Do I deserve any of this? I think not but its by Gods hands - I get to take another breath and its by His encouragement that I continue to put myself out here and talk the walk. Sometimes it overwhelms me with all that God is doing in my life - I think back at how I just wanted to hear from God and know he is real before I accepted Him into my heart. I have to admit - I don't think God ever spoke to me before I took that big step. God has taken 99 of the steps needed and all He asks of us - is that last important step. I do believe with all my heart that God is speaking to me - sometimes more clearer than at other times - the more I spend in His word and trying to understand and grow in His word - the more He leads me places and opens doors. Its a wild ride looking back at where I have come from - where my family have come from and I am so excited about where its going. But you know what it took for me to get here?
My mom.
See sometimes God has to use drastic measures to get our attention. Sometimes during these times, we pull away and go further into where we are from. Instead God wants to pull us close just like a parent with a sick child - or one who has been hurt - We want to pull or children in close and love on them, help them make good decisions, guide them in what is right and wrong - teaching them and loving them. I do believe with all my heart God was using me and showing me so many things when mom was sick - He continues to show me things and teach me in my walk in faith.
I think back at a time when mom was at the point of not getting up out of bed anymore and my brother was having so much difficulty with visiting with her. See mom was blessed in many ways during this time because she did get to talk to us and tell us her wishes and instructions and more importantly, that she was proud of us and that she loved us. My brother was looking at mom - not seeing mom. I remember having a conversation one evening at the kitchen table concerning going and spending some quality time with her. I remember him saying that he couldn't do it - it was too hard to look at her this way as the cancer was eating her body. I told him to not look at her body and to look into her eyes - imagine mom 20 years ago and in her beauty - God sees her this way - the inside of what makes mom - MOM. She is trapped in a body that is dying, it will soon no longer work but God has given her an inside - a spiritual side that will never die. It will never feel pain again and all the struggles of this world will be gone. I remember telling him to be a good son and share this moment with mom - look and focus on her eyes and see what God sees. After about 45 minutes - indeed the longest visit I can recall - he came out with tears in his eyes, walked out on the deck and was bawling - crying like no man I have ever seen other than myself cry. He thanked me for what I had told him - what I had shared and giving him the courage to say his goodbye to mom. Friends, God was at work there and the old me would have been in the selfish mode and all I would have worried about was me - how was I going to do this, how do I feel about this, how am I going to handle this, I am hurting more than anyone else - so many wrong things at a time when so many right things needed to happen. Many came to see mom - never came back. Some never came at all because they couldn't deal with it. TODAY - many cant come and visit my dad because the house reminds them of mom. I am sorry but pull up your panties and do something bigger than yourselves. Friends, we never know when our time may come - we can be making a difference in our families, in our churches in our communities for Jesus - for His church and for the lost people out there in the world who need this Good News. I am not a preacher, I have not been trained to speak or to write - I am just a common person who is doing the Lord's work. Imagine if you could just get off the fence - give up on having everything "Right" (whatever that means) and all figured out before taking that last step - imagine where our families would be going and what we can do together!
Mom had a bigger vision for her "Salvation Tissue" - she new Pastor Jimmy would use that tissue to bring others to Christ. She knew the importance behind it and made it happen - even when she was not with us. That tissue was missing for months - lost somewhere in the house and it was found - at the right time - the right way and given to Jimmy in the way mom would have wanted it. Pastor Jimmy used it Sunday - in the way mom would have been proud and with the passion in the way Jimmy presented it so that others may hear the story - others may know Jesus starting then - and turning their lives around. I am honored to be doing the Lords work - to be part of something so much bigger than myself and to be part of a church that loves people more than anything else because that is the way Jesus wanted it - People come first. We can have all the toys and money in this world but if we lose or soul - what have we gained.
Mom - You always put others before you - and you still are because - You went first. You made a way for our family to know Christ - to know heaven is a real place and you will be there when we get there. Hands open - arms reaching for us and again - You will be serving us in Heaven just like you always served us here. Except this time - NOBODY will have to go anywhere.
I love and miss you but I am so thankful and blessed to have come to Christ and accept His free gift of salvation, forgiveness, love, mercy and grace - so that one day - we will see each other again. I can't wait to see what God sees - in you.
Forever yours,
Randy~
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