It is hard to believe that 4 years has passed since you left for heaven that morning mom. I think back to that morning with me just finally laying down on your couch in the LR after being up for 3 days. Danny was in dads chair and Craig was in the back room. Dad in the chair next to you. It was 4:17 in the morning when dad came in and said you were gone. I wanted to be there for you when you left. I stayed by your side for days knowing that you letting go of us was close. But it was not meant to be. It was not the way you wanted it. I remember that morning being cold but refreshing in a way. The sun came up and all was still. No noise at all outside. I remember walking around the house calling Carol, Aunt Sharon, Patty, my buddy Warren, and a few others. As folks gathered at the house to say goodbye ... nobody really looked at each other in fear of breaking down. It had been a long hard 4 months. I am thankful looking back today that I was there as much as I was. Not too many days gone by I was not at the side of your bed, praying with someone, encouraging someone to go in and visit with you, making coffee or running to get a meal. I remember Wed nights Patty would come and stay with me because we sent Craig and dad to the bowling alley. I remember this picture with such a smile and a love in my heart. Your first day home from the hospital after spending weeks there. There was nothing else the docs could do and dad and I along with your head nurse made the decision to bring you home. HOME is where you wanted to be. Danny and I left right afterwards and went to Walmart, we got a christmas tree up and decorated, bed moved out and furniture moved as we waited for Hospice to come and deliver the things you would need. It was amazing that morning having you home. You smiled and wanted to go to each room to make sure everything was in order and as you wanted. That makes me smile because it was so you. We shared christmas that day together. Our last..... but one that meant the most. I remember thinking that this is our high moment in this journey, while full knowing that dark days were coming. It was such a blessing to have you home and for all of us to share in those next few days because the dark days that followed where hard for sure. Lots of tears fell, lots of talks next to your bed and many things I wish I could forget that took place but hang on in my mind just as if it happened yesterday. We spoke of heaven more so during this season than at any other time mom. I am thankful for that. I am thankful that my heart was in a season to be open to what the Lord wanted me to do. I pray that I served you well and served our family and friends well during that time. I remember you asking me if God would mind that when you finally got there - if you could just pause for a second and touch your big toe into heaven. I remember telling you sure mom... I don't think Jesus would mind. Just reach for his hand and let Him take you home. Home is where you are today. I know you are waiting and enjoying heaven with all of its glory. It must be pretty awesome and I look forward to that time when we are together again. A lot has been going on here and I pray that the life I am leading is honoring you and would make you proud of me. I have answered Gods call on my life and leading at church in a new role the past 5 months or so but a role that I know God has prepared for me and has been working on my heart to do. Leading middle/high school kids is challenging for sure but I love them. I want nothing more in my heart for them to know Jesus and to live a life that is so much different than what the world is telling them. There is such hope and promise in living a life honoring God. I have never been more eager for this generation to step out in faith and trust in our Lord. I have a story in my life and how God has changed me and is using me ... there is no reason why God can't use them as well. Kate has been with us now for 6 months and though we have had some struggles and have shed some tears and have been to the point of giving up... we are stronger today than at any other time because God continues to show us His grace and the ability to move on when things are hard - to keep looking forward with a hope that all is going to work out. I was not blessed to have a daughter but today I know without a doubt that I have many. Kyle is doing great and never ceases to amaze me. He is such a loving and caring young man who sometimes carries the weight of everyone on his shoulders. He rises to the occasion so often and with such tenderness, comidy at times and with such care its hard to believe he is only 12. I smile everytime I think about what God is going to do through him to make a difference in this broken world. You would be so proud of him. Carol is doing great - she for sure is the rock in the family. She amazes me at all that she does and all that she is. She has the biggest caring heart for others and I do believe that will never change. I am thankful that today she has some good friends to lean on and together we have a team around us in our rock group families that just makes life so much easier. They have our back and we have theirs and that is such a blessing. All of "MyKids" are doing well... even though they are hitting those teenage years and are turning nuts - my role is becoming less with them. Dad is doing well and is happy today. Miss Neila is a wonderful woman and I am thankful for her. Aunt Sharon ... wow. What do I say? She is struggling some with her Parkinsons but meds and excersize are working even though she has good days and not so good days. She is focused on Jesus and serving him no matter what is going on. I am so proud of her and continue to look up to as an example of following Jesus is all about. We lean on each other a lot and together we are making it. Uncle Buster is doing just fine and continues to be such a bright servant. Scott has had some health issues and I think he is closer to God today than he ever was. We continue to pray for his salvation. Craig and family are all well even with his job being on and off. There is so much more I could say. I long for those times sitting on your back deck on the swing talking. Coffee in hand over some good conversations no matter what the subject was about. A few weeks ago I put down on paper some things that I wanted to share to my rock group family. It came from a 5 year old and I added to it. I'll share those words now but before I do so. I just wanted to tell you I miss you, I love you and oh the conversations we would be having today. I miss them..... but I know you have given me the torch to lead mom. "I PROMISE" is still written on my heart. Your tears on a napkin full of Gods grace, His love, and His salvation through Jesus.Enjoy heaven today mom, its not a day to be sad but a day to rejoice and be glad in it all because of what Jesus did for us. Thankful He made a place for us to be together again.
Big hugs this morning.....
Your son,
Randy
When you thought I wasn’t looking
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite meal for me and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learned that I could trust in God.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you give so much of your energy to serving others and I learned that putting others in front of self brings heavenly blessings.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I noticed how messy life is but you got involved anyways and I learned that sometimes doing the hard things is most of the time the right way.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I watched you hit bumps in the road and I wanted so badly to jump in and help but I knew you had to feel those bumps to learn in life.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes life hurts but it's all right to cry.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned that God often times wants to change me and not our circumstances.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I got to watch you struggle through a big decision and I learned that God will be a big part in my decision making.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I wanted to say some things and take you by the hand to guide you and I learned that keeping quiet is a hard thing to do sometimes but necessary.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared about me and I wanted to be everything that I could be because I wanted to make you proud.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned that saying sorry was necessary in any relationship that is worth fighting for and investing in even if I’m the one to say sorry first.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned that sometimes hearing the words “I Love you” is sweeter than me saying them first.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I learned that it’s not always good to get what you ask for; sometimes what God gives us is much better.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked at you and wanted to say,
"Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking."
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite meal for me and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learned that I could trust in God.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you give so much of your energy to serving others and I learned that putting others in front of self brings heavenly blessings.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I noticed how messy life is but you got involved anyways and I learned that sometimes doing the hard things is most of the time the right way.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I watched you hit bumps in the road and I wanted so badly to jump in and help but I knew you had to feel those bumps to learn in life.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes life hurts but it's all right to cry.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned that God often times wants to change me and not our circumstances.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I got to watch you struggle through a big decision and I learned that God will be a big part in my decision making.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I wanted to say some things and take you by the hand to guide you and I learned that keeping quiet is a hard thing to do sometimes but necessary.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared about me and I wanted to be everything that I could be because I wanted to make you proud.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned that saying sorry was necessary in any relationship that is worth fighting for and investing in even if I’m the one to say sorry first.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned that sometimes hearing the words “I Love you” is sweeter than me saying them first.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I learned that it’s not always good to get what you ask for; sometimes what God gives us is much better.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked at you and wanted to say,
"Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking."
2 comments:
I can't write for crying today. I have had such an emotional day today that God has had to just wrap HIS arms around me for me to even function at all today. I took grandma to the dr, Mary went with us, we all three pretended like it was a normal day, but we all knew it wasn't. I went to the cemetery and put flowers on Sis' grave after I took them home. I haven't dealt with this day very well at all. So much for thinking I can deal with everything. I just can't believe your momma is gone, I miss her so bad. I wore her cross necklace around my neck all day today, the one you gave her for Christmas just before she died. I just kept touching it all day as if I was holding on to her hand. I am just not dealing very well today. I am really needing God's help today, I need prayer desperately, I need HIs touch, I am not always as strong as I want to be, or as I need to be.
I just don't have the words to express my heart today. Only God knows how I feel. I never thought I would have to live this part of my life without her. How can I finish the last part of my life without her? Only God can bring me through this. I am weak, and I am worn today, only through my Jesus Christ will I survive. Only by the blood of Jesus can I survive until my time to go, if I could but just see her face, her smile, one more time.........hear her voice...God knows how broken my heart is.....I long for Heaven myself....I long to be there, this is not my home, yet I know I must stay here and keep working for HiM, I need His strength, and I know I can only find that in prayer and HIS word.
God bless you Randy,your momma loved you so much, she would be so proud of you, Carol, and Kyle.
My love always,
Aunt Sharon
Thank God today is a new day. I apoligize for being so down yesterday to you and to God. I think things are really hitting me harder now that I am dealing with this PD. Yesterday, life just wasn't worth living WITHOUT Sis and WITH Parkinson's. I guess it is just hard dealing with the disease, and knowing she is not here with me too. But, God is still in control of the situation. HE brought me through the night, and HE will take me on through the rest of this walk that I am facing. Thank you for your prayers. I am so aware that I am still in my flesh and not in the Spirit here in this world, but I know in my heart that one day we will have no more tears, and I feel so humbled this morning to feel the love HE has for me.
This is the day that the Lord hath made, we will rejoice and be glad in it.
My love always,
Aunt Sharon
Post a Comment