This chapter really puts it to us parents. I read this section and was blown away by some of the comments and situations. This book is full of examples that I just can't type them all. I am only going over the highlights. One thing for sure is - I need to give more responsibility to our son and challange "MyKids" - thus this gives them a better understanding of "WHY" they choose their decisions and to really think about them before making them. Lessons learned.....
Enjoy Part 3:
The Pillars of Self – Worth
There is a 2nd group of ABC’s –
· Acceptance
· Belonging
· Competence
Acceptance – Children long for our approval. Your unconditional acceptance of your child means everything in her development. Children fly sky-high for a long time on just one compliment. But note, that compliment has to be true- not made to make the child feel better. Otherwise every kid on the planet will see right through you.
If children don’t find unconditional acceptance in your home, they will talk less (or not at all) to you, listen to cd’s nonstop, use their iPods at the dinner table rather than communicating, swap stories via IM (instant message) with their friends about unfair house rules and stinkin’ parents. You see, kids accept kids for who they are. They don’t hassle them for their blue hair, pink hair or purple hair, (they think it’s kinda cool), their nose ring, (they’ve got them too), or their baggy pants. But the truth of the matter is, as important of an influence as peers are to your child, the peer group can’t do DIDDLY SQUAT for them.
There will be times when, frankly, you don’t much like your child at all. But you can always extend unconditional love and acceptance. If you do, he’ll be less likely to seek acceptance in his peer group.
Every child needs to belong somewhere. Will it be in your home or in their peer (friends) group? Look at gangs across the US – running wild!
Support each other in any activities you do. Instead of piling on a host of after-school activities, choose them wisely so you can set aside family time. Don’t lose your family dinners or your family vacation. Friends will change, but family stays. We are a family and we belong together.
Do your kids know who they belong to? If there is no sense of “belonging” in your home, there will be no relationship. Without a relationship, your rules, your words, and your actions mean nothing. The wedge between you and your children will drive them toward acceptance and belonging in a group OUTSIDE your home.
Competence
Want to empower your children? Give them responsibility. When your child takes the initiative to get the job done – feeding the dog, walking the dog, helping with dinner – tell them “Good Job”. Your child will do more because he owns it and will feel proud of the accomplishment.
When you allow your children to be competent, they will be competent. And if they fail? They learn how to do things differently the next time. As their responsibilities increase, confidence in their own competence increases. This is how they get ready to move out into the world.
Your children are longing for Acceptance from you! They ache for Belonging in a family. They want to have Competence. If they don’t get these qualities from you, they will seek them from their peers.
Instead , encourage your child. Encouragement emphasizes the act and not the person. Don’t praise your child by saying they are the greatest kid who ever walked the earth. What happens when she isn’t? Besides, she can already look around and see she is not the greatest, so she knows you are lying to make her feel good. That sets up the disconnect in the relationship.
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